Of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is possibly one of the most elusive feelings in the world. And I mean TRUE forgiveness, not saying the words without meaning them.

To forgive someone, you must first be hurt. Wronged. You must overcome your feelings of betrayal, anger, and most importantly, vengeance. Vengeance and Forgiveness can never occur in the same case; you must choose one or the other.

Vengeance is an external force; enacting your will on others so that you feel life and karma has balanced out. Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, life for a life; vengeance will leave you feeling satisfied, sometimes. More often it leave you hollow or empty... your justice served. Karmicly speaking, you ended up earning the very hurt that started you on your "righteous" path. You made the other person, or persons PAY for what they did, but in the end, you let them buy part of your life.

True forgiveness is an internal force. It means letting go of your thoughts of revenge, not only in the present but for the future. You have to accept that what's done is done, what's past is past, and you cannot unmake your suffering for all the wishing and vengeance in the world. Forgiveness means making a personal choice, and releasing the pent up darkness within you. It means carrying your scars with dignity and distinction. You cannot simple say, "I forgive you." You have to mean it, on the inside, to feel the relief of it.

And it DOES feel good.

I do not, however, refer to forgetting. To forget what's come before is a bad idea... we wind up making the same mistakes and being hurt the same way. You can remember that your ex-boyfriend hit you, and forgive him for doing so. To forget that he did, however, is opening yourself to the possibility of winding up in the same situation again, with him or another person, because you missed the warning signs. Hold onto your memories of the dark times, and draw wisdom from them. Don't make the same mistake twice.

Do people change? It's a difficult question. Yes is the easy and honest answer; but it's not an absolute, nor does it apply in every circumstance. As people, we grow, and learn, and shift. A woman in her twenties who's only ever been taken care of and loved may no flinch to a raised hand... but three years into a bad relationship, she may do just that. A girl who picked on other girls in grade school who wound up overweight and unhappy might grow into an adult with compassion for others; she may even befriend those she once mistreated, if they can forgive her. A boy raised in an abusive household may be cruel to the woman he winds up with, but with patience and love, sometimes she can teach him to love and respect her the way he should. People can change; sometimes drastically. However... it usually takes an event, a life-changing one, to make them shift. As human beings we tend to set our lives on autopilot, we get comfortable and coast the same way until the next bump in the road. That bump can be anything: death of a loved one, a severe injury or brush with death, falling in love with the right person, or even sometimes being forgiven.

Being forgiven for something you've done can be just as amazing a feeling as being the one forgiving. It's deep, it's fundamental, and it teaches us to look to someone who's taking the higher road and learn from them. It's hard to be bitter towards the person who forgave you for wrongdoing. A thousand sorries mean nothing until the reply is a true, "I forgive you."


I write this because I think a lot of people need to be forgiven, including myself. The ability to let go of our grudges is one that takes years to develop; sadly by the time we can honestly forgive most people, we are jaded by life and our innocence is gone.

We can't get it back, but we can move on. Just... let go, and forgive those in your life who need to be forgiven, and I'll try to do the same.